When I was little, I used to kneel down on the floor and draw a circle in the carpet with my finger. This circle completely encompassed me. It was just me in the circle--nothing else. It was during this time I would poor out my heart to my Heavenly Father. It was just me and Him. I found myself doing the same thing this morning. I knelt down, moved my fingers in the carpet until they created a circle around me, and I prayed. I sobbed to my Father in Heaven. Openly admitting that I didn't know what to say. I eventually decided to ask for the faith and strength to not only accept His will, but to be able to grow and become better through this experience. I got up from my fetal position, wiped my tears, and went to play mom to my little child though I feel like a child--an infant rather--myself.
The doctor called my parents this morning with the results of the CT scan. I knew it was bad, but I wasn't expecting this. The cancer has spread to his liver, bladder, and one lung. I was on a conference call with my sister, parents and grandma. My dad's voice cracked a little when delivering the news, but that was all. He was purely logical from that moment on. Listening to my mom, however, was heartbreaking. Never in my life have I heard her so vulnerable. She wept. My sister wept. My grandma wept. I wept. For one moment I felt like we were all together, but alas, I opened my eyes are we were all still separated by thousands of miles.
Later, the vacuum was on. Maddux is afraid of the vacuum. He was crying and crawling away from it. I picked him up, held him and took him over to it. We knelt down together and touched it. He was shaking a little, but he wasn't crying. He was afraid, but he knew I was holding him, and I wouldn't doing anything to hurt him. I was teaching him that though this vacuum might be scary, it serves a purpose. I know through this situation the Lord is holding me. He is kneeling with me, and holding me right next to my personal vacuum. He is teaching me to not be frightened...for this vacuum, this frightening, heart wrenching thing, serves a purpose.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Praying in Circles
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9 comments:
These words are truly inspirational ally. I can feel your heartbreak, I can feel the love you have for your family, I can feel you vunerability, I can feel your strength. My prayers are with you and your family.
My prayers are with you and your family. Your strength is inspirational. I have found that writing really does act as a therapy. You don't have to post it on here, although it helps others who are struggling, but writing has been such a strength and outlet for me in trials past and present.
Thoughts and Prayers,
Laura
We're praying for all of you. My mom went through cancer a few years ago. It's scary, it's hard...for everyone in the family. But you'll get through it. We're praying for all of you, that you feel Heavenly Father's love and the comfort of the Holy Ghost.
~ Maya
I am so sorry to hear this. Your dad is to this day still the best home teacher I ever had! You guys are in our thoughts and prayers!
Alli, I wish I could hug you. I am heartbroken too, for all of you. Your words, through my own tears for all your family, have been, truly inspirational. We have been, a long time with miles between us in my family too. We were blessed in our trials and separation by wonderful friends, your parents. They were truly the Lord's hands through significant trials and changes in our life. I pray that such friends will surround you, whether right beside you or through facebook :-), your blog, by phone, or in prayer.
I don't know if I ever mentioned, I am from Boise. My mom is now there, and one of my sisters. Two more sisters are in Nampa, nearby. I am sure you have, but let your ward know. The best comes out in church members when a significant trial besets another. I have been amazed by the love and support that came to us through this route when both Halle and Aidan were hospitalized last month.
You are an amazing woman and daughter of God, already far wiser than I. Even in your pain you are a shining example of faith in our Father in Heaven. Miracles do happen at his hands and the hands of others he uses to help. Sometimes in great healing, sometimes with great peace amidst the storm. Much love to all of you!
Holly
Alli--Shelly called and told us about your Dad's cancer last night. We are joining with the Pickerington Ward Fast (Virginia Annex) today. We love your family and will have you in our thoughts and prayers (right now pretty much all the time!). Miracles happen in lots of ways in our lives. Love to you all.
Richard and Lori Nuffer
Our family has recently been through some trials of our own. Chelsea's baby boy has liver problems and he has been having surgery and is hoping not to have to have a transplant until about 3 years old. he is 3 months old. I am so sorry for your pain right now and I pray for you and your family. Who ever said this life was easy, didn't understand what this is all about.
That was beautiful Alli.
I am thinking of your family often.
Jamee
xoxo
Alli,
You are such a gift to your family. I am so touched by your ability to share your testimony through your tears. Since I first read Lacey's post on FB and then both of your blogs I keep remembering your dad saying-- "keep your arms and feet inside and enjoy the ride". I think that rule still implies. I know that our arms will be tucked into the circle of prayer with so many for all of you. And remember-- our neighborhood loves your family.
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